They - the ubiquitous they, of course - say that eating disorders in general and anorexia in particular is about an unwaivering attempt to achieve perfection. While I’m not sure that I buy it (given that all that I ever saw was my own imperfection), I do know that I had a very, very difficult time trying to convince myself that anything I did was good enough. But, anyway.
The last week or so, I’ve spent a lot of time looking at what’s good enough. While, for the most part, I’ve recognized that “good enough” is good enough, it’s been nagging at me a hell of a lot. I ended 2008 badly - tears, sobbing, shaking and feeling completely awful and unloved despite the fact that my partner of nearly 15 years was right there with me and offering me the support that I needed (as she always has - even when I needed but did not want it). A lot of it was brought on by work-related things just not going the way that I wanted them to and feeling unheard.
More than feeling unheard, however, I felt let down. I’ve been doing the same work for a couple of years now and, while I love the freedom that it gives me, I’m not sure that I’ve reached a level of good enough with it. I want to be accomplishing more. I want to find the strength to branch out on my own and to push myself harder - but there’s still a lot of fear that holds me back, and I’m not entirely sure of how to push through it. Every time that it feels like I’m taking a step back with it - when a client quits or a decision that affects me is made without me - I become all petulant little kid which not only doesn’t help anything but also makes me look like an ass.
Despite the fact that I know that the only way to push forward is to push forward - I know that I can’t expect anyone else to do the work for me (however much I might like to think that I can) - I still feel stuck. I still feel like everything is upside down and so far from in my control that I think I’m going to snap.
I don’t believe in settling. I don’t believe that it’s okay for me to just accept what’s going on - but for some reason, I keep doing that. In this case, I think it’s fear - but I suspect that the fear is holding me back (wouldn’t be the first time). And yet, it’s not stopping me completely.
Sure, I haven’t fully been focusing on growing that part of things in my life, but I have been working on other things. I’m learning more about programming, reading a lot about starting a non-profit and am working on a business plan for a venture that could be extremely successful if I got it up and running - which I do plan to do.
Right now, in other words, it means that I’m doing a whole lot of thinking and hoping that I’ll see results. For now, that might be good enough and I can embrace it, but I know that I need to keep pushing forward in order to get to where I want to be. Sometimes I just wish that weren’t so terrifying.
Tags: acceptance, imperfection, perfection
- wondering if it’s wrong to just crawl back into bed so that I can then focus on work I need to get done #
- nap did not work as well as i hoped that it would #
- @emsr18 something tells me you’re just eager for the next part of your day
in reply to emsr18 # - fighting with a headache, a lack of motivation and the realization that something just feels horribly askew #
- hmm… cave and make dinner though i don’t want to cook. wait til she’s motivated to cook. or decide to go out. #
- ended up going for a walk, buying different groceries and coming home to cook. now i need to jam on getting work done #
Tags: edrecovery, twitter
One of the biggest things that I’ve been finding over the last couple of weeks is that I’ve lost my balance. Not in a physical way - so far I’m not falling over (though this morning at least, I’m tired enough that I think that I could) - but in an emotional sort of way.
I’ve been looking into a lot of different things, and a lot of them have had to do with community. With trying to launch the blog community, I’m finding myself thinking a lot more about blogging platforms (which I think about a lot, using about 5 of them every day), and trying to figure out whether or not I’m making the right choices. I’m still trying to figure out how to fix some of the quirks.
Ultimately, though, I know that I’m caught up. I know that I’m not putting as much attention into other areas of my life that I should be giving attention to. I know this because the lack of balance kept me from sleeping last night and has me at a point where I have a million things that I need to do for work - and not a single one that I give a damn about.
It’s when I have no attention span that I know that something is askew. When I stop caring about whether or not I do a decent job, it’s a sure sign of burnout for me. When I stop caring about whether or not I’m giving it my all, it’s a sure sign that I haven’t been thinking about myself, my goals and my dreams - it’s a sign that I’ve let myself get caught up.
One of the things that I’ve learned about my own recovery is that it’s just not that easy for me to maintain a balance. What I know is that while my eating is far less disordered than it once was, while I know that - overall - I’m healthy, despite the depression that rages, I also know this: it’s a delicate balance.
Lately, I’ve seen just how delicate it can be - not in my behaviors, but in my thoughts. I stress out and panic about something, the next thing I know, I’m looking at different foods. The more that my attention span waivers, the more I think about that once upon a time reliance on the stimulants in diet pills and the way that they seemed to help me focus - something that’s been an even bigger deal since I came down with the lung infection and was counting on Sudafed to be able to breathe at all.
What I’ve learned though is a simple thing: when I see that I need balance, it’s time to take a step back. The challenge for me right now is that I also see what’s so important in my life and what I want to accomplish and, well, it leaves me thinking that I need to go for it, full steam ahead. In other words, while I’m seeing that it’s important to me to find balance again, I’m not exactly inclined to take a step back, no matter how much I recognize the need for self-care (because there’s not a chance in hell that I’ll be able to accomplish everything that I want to if I stop taking care of myself).
One of the things that’s really interesting to me right now is that I feel like I’m taking another big step forward - and while, right now, it’s shaky, I think that it’s going to work out okay - maybe, if I’m lucky, better than okay.
Tags: dealing with stress, eating disorder recovery, finding balance
- started setting up a myspace page for the community this morning #
- wondering if drinking the majority of a bottle of merlot in the afternoon (before working) is a bad thing #
- just got dissed - hard - by my partner… not cool #
- regarding that earlier message, truth be told, while it stung, it was true. i do choose to do things the tough way when i have that option #
Tags: edrecovery, twitter
- @sotodance oh no! i totally had one of those many years ago in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance makes sense. i was pushing that for a month and a half myself; since i let go and fell apart on nye i’ve been better… in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance in other words, there are going to be times that things suck and breaking down doesn’t mean being broken. in reply to sotodance #
- didn’t spend nearly as much time on the work i’ve chosen to do as i would have liked #
Tags: edrecovery, twitter
- Hey check it - a community post not by me: http://tinyurl.com/8gaovn #
- Another new participant: http://community.edrecoveryblo…../index.php #
- @sotodance surprisingly so, yes - and i’m also surprised by how excited i am about it in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance i’ve been reading; i’m feeling pretty good about it. in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance thanks for letting me know… i’ll work on it in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance what browser are you using? in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance k… it was working for me in that, safari, and firefox, the only place I had any trouble was google chrome in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance try these links: http://tinyurl.com/8dx8mt in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance http://tinyurl.com/a7zvvf in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance i hate pcs (though i do most of my work on one). love my macbook. thinking about updating it w/ one that also runs windows in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance of course, at this point, i just don’t have the cash to do it in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance (btw - font size/family changed on your blog) in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance weird… in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance do you use google reader online? in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance you’re welcome in reply to sotodance #
- @sotodance check your email in reply to sotodance #
Tags: edrecovery, twitter
- breakdown last night made for a very strange end of 2008 - and an 09 that can only pick up! #
Tags: edrecovery, twitter
