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Eating Disorder Triggers: What Happens When They Come Up Out of Nowhere

I’m not often triggered any more when it comes to size and weight issues anymore. The exception, of course, is a more general, underlying body image issue that, quite frankly, wouldn’t be able to be resolved simply by eating or not eating – one that has little to do with fat or thin or anything like that at all. This weekend, however…

It’s interesting to me the way that those who install the buttons are able to push them – even when they don’t realize that they’re doing it. My mom got me really good this weekend, and the problem was that she’d been trying to do something nice – to hook me up with something to open on my birthday rather than “just” the clothing she’d bought me a few weeks ago and the cash that she sent so that my partner and I could pay bills and buy groceries.

Now, before I really get into anything specific, let me preface this by saying that I have only worn men’s clothing during the past 12 years; even to my grandfathers’ funerals, the clothing that I wore was from the men’s side of the store. I do this for two reasons: personal comfort and what feels “right” to me. The fact that my mom decided to buy me clothing from the women’s department, therefore, set me off just on the basis of feeling painfully misunderstood – and my sense of person somehow violated. It came off as one more way in which my parents still want me to be someone I’m not.

But that’s not the worst of it. The issue is that all of the sizes were WAY off. For the first time in a long time, the thoughts that I had teetered on “Does she really think I’m this size?” I know what size I wear in women’s clothing (remember a few weeks back when I was interviewing and my friend took me shopping? She too had me try on women’s clothing – some of which I did buy, only to take back because it would never be worn – so I have a pretty solid idea of what sizes I would wear); Let’s just say that everything that she bought had more than twice the fabric it needed, and, worse, that it just would have looked awful.

I know that I have to step carefully when I’m dressing to avoid looking sloppy – it’s why I try on clothing from one shop to the next even when I have a really good idea of what size I need. I know too that my mom wants me to be the perfect little girl – aspirations that definitely tripped me up when I was younger and that led to a number of really horrific choices on my part. I don’t think this is going to fuck me up to that extent, but I know that this morning I was heading that way. This morning, I was fairly convinced that everything could fall apart.

There are some challenges right now though. The biggest challenge is that I need to let my parents know that the package arrived – and I’m terrified that I’ll just burst into tears again the way that I did last night when I opened the package. The tough part is explaining why it impacted me – because I just know that it’s not going to go well. Fortunately, at the other end of the spectrum, I know that I’ve been able to pull myself together – and I know that despite it all, I’ll be okay.

15.06.2009 Emotional reactions, eating disorder recovery 3 Comments

Thought I’d Leave This World by Twenty-One

If you follow me on Twitter, then you might have noticed some mention of the whole turning 35 yesterday thing. I’m not really keen on birthdays – not sure why really, though all of a sudden it kind of dawned on me that I really don’t like the idea of days that are all about me. I’m also still unsettled every year by the realization that, well, I made it through another year.

There’s still something weird about that to me – something strange about the fact that I don’t always feel like I’m getting to where I want to be and about the part in which I really don’t think that I ever expected to live out this much of my life. Toss in some other smaller elements like the fear that I’m not making a difference, not doing what I *should* be doing based on the estimations that I’ve made for myself and, well, more or less I think birthdays lead me down a path to introspection that could get kind of nasty.

But rather than dwell on that, here are some big changes that seem to have happened this year:

  • I love the fact that when I got into the office yesterday, there were balloons. Yes, it’s cheesy. No, I don’t think they’re great for the environment. Regardless, they made me really little kid happy.
  • I really enjoyed going out for dinner. Sure, making the decision of where to go kinda sucked, but I’m thrilled by the choice that I made, had a great meal and even feel okay about the fact that I didn’t think of anything other than the celebration part.
  • I’ve become really comfortable in my skin lately. Sure, there are some things I need to work on and figure out, but I feel really good overall – amazing the difference that a few key life changes can make.

So, today, rather than feeling a little freaked out about all the changes, I’m just going to stick with the face that, well, chance can be a good thing – and, for today, I think that’s enough.

Title taken from “Slowdog” by Belly (Tanya Donelly)

12.06.2009 eating disorder recovery 1 Comment

Eating Disorder Recovery and Advocacy: Speaking Out, Insurance and GMA

(Albeit slightly off-topic for the way I’ve been using this blog, here’s a quick head’s up).

Anyone who’s gone through the process of eating disorder recovery knows that the insurance companies like to set up a nearly impossible to get through obstacle course in order to approve financing treatment. Once treatment is approved, often it’s either not quite enough or it only addresses one part of the issue – a few therapy sessions, some bloodwork or other testing or a couple quick days of hospital stay.

Part of getting this back on the right track involves advocacy and speaking out to make sure that others are aware of what’s going on. Apparently, Good Morning America (ABC News) is looking to speak with families who have not been able to get the costs of eating disorder treatment covered by their insurance companies. If you and your family have been denied treatment, want to get the word out and get the help that you need, contact Lauren McCurdy:  lmccurdy @ fordham . edu for more information.

09.06.2009 eating disorder recovery No Comments

Hang On To Your Ego

I don’t think many people would look to Frank Black (or Black Francis or whatever it is that he’s calling himself these days) for advice, but sometimes he throws titles out there that really out to shape people more. “Hang on to your ego” is one of them – especially for me, especially lately and especially after the way that things have gone the last couple of days.

See, the job is spectacular really, but I keep forgetting that sometimes being part of a team means taking a few giant steps back, reigning in my ego and being willing to just see where things go. There are some concerns that I have about someone, and it’s probably just that we have really similar personalities but very different ways of doing things. Cap it off with the fact that we haven’t met in person, and neither phone nor instant messaging offer smooth sailing in the conversation department – especially when there are other things going on and yesterday simply wasn’t the best day that I’ve ever had.

The challenge, of course, is that while there were some great things that happened yesterday, there were a number of big issues as well. On one hand, there were conflicts because of communication – most of which were able to be worked out quickly, even though I did get a call into the office to discuss the importance of working things out, the reality was that there was already progress being made on that front. By the end of the day, I thought I was going to be able to leave it behind me.

Of course, the more that I think that things are going to fall back into place, the sooner something explodes. I have my first client relationship and such, and – lucky, lucky me – it’s not an easy one. I got ripped a new one simply because, well, I know how to do my job and doing it means changing the way the client does things. Loosely translated, I was sitting on the sofa at home – working at the end of the day on cleaning up a few things, using my own time – and felt so ripped to the core that I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe. I haven’t cried like that in – I don’t think ever.

It wasn’t really any one thing. I know that there will be some more balance again. I know too that change is tough – and there’s a hell of a lot of it going on. I know too that the biggest issue that I have is all me, and it’s not even something that I’m comfortable (fully) talking about in this space. I do have another blog that I’m going to be turning to for that, I just need to make the commitment to writing in it and really working on things. I think that I also need to make an effort to talk with my doctor and start looking at things a bit more on a medical level. Fuck.

I don’t know. It’s funny how inside out a single day can make a person feel. It’s strange the way that even when the pieces are falling into place there’s this weird tension – even when you know something is right, sometimes it’s hard to just embrace the ride.

04.06.2009 eating disorder recovery 1 Comment

Things I’m Thinking About Today

I’ve been so caught up in life lately that blogging just hasn’t happened. Since my last post I took on a contract position and, after 1 week of the month, turned it into a full time gig. Since then, I’ve been exhausted – but I didn’t want to keep putting off the blog (hence the new design and such).

What else is on my mind? Continue Reading..

31.05.2009 eating disorder recovery 1 Comment

I Don’t Understand How a Heart is a Spade But Somehow a Vital Connection Is Made

I’ve been fried lately – for anyone reading this semi-regularly, there’s nothing surprising about that really. It’s something about sending out resume after resume, popping in on members of Congress and their staff while looking for a job, reading help wanted listings and just facing a much more fierce degree of competition than I’ve seen since working as a marketer in the music industry for a few years.

What’s interesting though is that I sometimes have missed that pressure and competition. That’s probably a big part of why it’s a stress that I put on myself again and again and again. Continue Reading..

13.05.2009 eating disorder recovery 3 Comments

And All Your Drugs and Your Machines Can’t Save You Now

I suspect that it says something that I’ve completely strayed from softer gentler lyrics and moved onto a band that, while simply amazing and brilliant, fell closer to the Industrial movement than the folk or pop that I’m often drawn to. Just what it says is still unclear to me. Sure, there’s the implication that I may be a bit more angry and on edge – which is true – but there’s also something else: I’m desperately trying to find something that fuels me.

Ultimately, despite knowing that I need something to get my blood pumping and to help kick my mood up a notch, I’m not just going to count on music right now. I can’t, not in the way that I used to at least. But then, there are a lot of things that I would have done in the past that I know just won’t help me now.

Continue Reading..

11.05.2009 eating disorder behaviors, eating disorder recovery 2 Comments

It’s Evidently a Big Surprise That I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Every once in a while I realize just how much I doubt myself. Last night I was talking with a friend – someone who I met online during my last major relapse who, like me, has really turned away from the illusions created by being lived by an eating disorder. On one hand, we were talking about her choices and her changing programs at school because her path wasn’t the right fit; on the other we were talking about my job hunt and the fact that I have two real options right now:

  1. I can keep believing in myself and shooting for jobs that I really want and believe that I could excel at; or
  2. I can decide that I’m aiming too high and just trying to set myself up to fail.

The reality is that I’m not sticking within my comfort zone, and I’m really happy about that. After all, it’s a good change to think that I could thrive in a fast-paced environment just because it’s so very different from what I’ve been doing for a while.

But that doesn’t mean that the doubts are gone.

Continue Reading..

08.05.2009 eating disorder recovery 3 Comments

How Long Before They Find . . . There’s Nothing Left to Win

Sometimes I start thinking about age simply because of the songs that I get stuck in my head. The first time I heard the song that I woke up with today was, well, 20 years ago, give or take a month; but it’s all good. After all, it’s not like the song doesn’t still have some relevance today:

While I was standing I saw
Two men with one God to share
Both wanting peace by war
Both want to win by prayer
How long before they find
This holy war a heinous sin
And they find that there’s nothing left to win

- Midge Ure, Remembrance Day

Religious fighting isn’t anything new; no matter where you stand, frankly, I believe that one’s religion is between one’s self and one’s God. While I don’t really understand how certain things stand out more than others or why some people allow themselves to be guided by their fears rather than their faith, the reality is that, well, religion – something that’s meant to bring people together – often only serves to drive a huge wedge between us all.

Continue Reading..

07.05.2009 eating disorder recovery No Comments

You Say I Live Like I’m On Ice Skates Going Down a Frozen Hill

My in-laws never tell my partner or her sister to drive safely; her mom’s motto is “drive fast. Take chances.” I can’t even remember at this point how long ago this started – 10 years ago, maybe/probably more. As far as motherly advice, it’s a little screwy I guess, but it feels like a decent fit with the way that I’ve often chosen to live.

Of course, I’m not sure that that says entirely great things, but…

Continue Reading..

05.05.2009 eating disorder recovery 1 Comment

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