Not really found, so much as created. It just gets tough sometimes to take a break, to allow myself a break rather.

Last week I requested that my workload be shifted a bit – the closest that I’ve come to saying that I am overwhelmed ever – after I realized that I was getting tired of working 16 hour days 7 days a week. I think that the phrase that made me realize what was going on was that I was making my life all about work and that it had quickly become my latest obsession (and there were still a number of projects that were falling through the cracks). I was using work as a distraction rather than using it to, I don’t know, make money to pay the rent and buy groceries.

In other words, I don’t think that I was making the best choices ever, and I think that the choices I was making were starting to drag me down.

It’s never comfortable to come to that realization. It’s never comfortable to say “I’m really afraid of what this could do to me.”  And yet, that’s where I am:

• I’m stressing out because I haven’t been to the gym in over three weeks and I miss it, but I know that my lungs aren’t feeling quite up to it yet and that going wouldn’t be healthy for me.
• I have no idea whether I’ve lost of gained weight because I don’t own a scale, but my body feels different and it’s weirding me out.
• I’m flying out on Monday to head up to Vermont to see my doctor; at least I’ll be able to talk to her about how damned tired and out of it I’ve been. I’ll get to see some friends as well which also will be good for me.

In other words, there’s a lot on my mind, but I’m definitely in an interesting spot – one where I know that things can shift a bit. I think that I’m mostly heading in the right direction, and I know what I can do to move even further in that direction.