So far today, I’ve been having one of those days where I feel like someone needs to take a vacuum cleaner to my brain. I didn’t really sleep at all last night – in part because the cats were acting out, in part because I was thinking about the things that I learned in a lunchtime conference that I want to apply to one or more of my projects and partly because I just couldn’t unwind physically, mentally or emotionally. It’s not that my thoughts are racing, it’s just that they are there, that they’re pretty all over the place and, well, some of them don’t really make that much sense.
For example, one of the big things on my mind yesterday came from the fact that I’d been out of the house more or less all day. Ultimately, this is a good thing, but somehow our cats didn’t really agree and, at some point, either while I was hanging out with a bunch of DC’s media progressives or while I was talking with a dear dear friend while sitting in a coffee shop and trying to stay awake or while we went out to splurge on Thai for dinner or were coming home, they shredded the feather comforter. Now I don’t know if they decided that it would simply be the “biggest kill ever” or they wondered what was inside or if there were some sort of nightmare cat fight. All I know is that there were feathers everywhere – and my partner lost it.
Her first task – that she took upon herself – was to start stitching up all of the holes. Well, thing about cats is that they like string and have an uncanny ability to want to be on a bed when their people are making said bed or otherwise working with blankets. I was hanging in the living room starting my work for the day – at 8pm – and somehow it became my responsibility to deal with the cats so that she could finish her project. When I didn’t just toss the computer off of my lap and start to help her out, I got chewed out in the worst way ever; it wasn’t me or anything I did, and it’s normal for all of us to be pissed off about one thing and to take it out on someone else, but… Regardless, it threw me off of my game.
I’d love to say that it didn’t bug me and that I’ve already let it go – but it wouldn’t be honest. I get really on edge when people take shit out on me because it reminds me of past life experiences that I’d rather not get into. Despite numerous apologies from her last night, well, I withdrew into myself – an old habit that I’d like to (someday) abandon. My head got completely cluttered by it and this morning I’m still trying to shake out the thoughts. I’m sure that being so tired isn’t really helping.
The challenge is that I have a lot that I really need to do and I just am getting to that point where I’m not motivated at all. The higher that my stress levels get, the more that I’m feeling betrayed by my body and the more that I’m looking for change in my life, the most upside down and twisted around I start to feel. Perhaps this is why I should be looking into getting back to therapy – I don’t know.
Title taken from “The Act We Act” by Sugar (Bob Mould) from the Album Copper Blue.