Are You So Strong Or Is All the Weakness in Me?

Why do you come here, when you know Ive got troubles enough?
Why do you call me, when you know I can’t answer the phone?
Make me lie when I dont want to,
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?
You make me stay when I should not?
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me.
Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by?

I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly.

Feeling guilty, worried, waking from tormented sleep
This old love has me bound,
But the new love cuts deep.
If I choose now, I’ll lose out;
One of you has to fall…
And I need you, and you …

Sometimes I’m drawn to songs that I’ve heard a thousand times but that, in the past, haven’t just clicked. Lately it’s been that way with Joan Armatrading’s The Weakness in Me. Not sure what it is really, not sure where it’s come from or even  when I first heard the song this time around. But there’s something about it…

Maybe it’s that I’m anxious most of the time lately. Maybe it’s that I’m feeling so weak, caught up in the need to do twenty things at a time all of the time. Maybe it’s that I’ve been working until after 10 almost every night this week. Maybe it’s that Tuesday I was violently ill all day long and my body hasn’t had a chance to really recover yet.

Right now I’m exhausted. It’s my normal state of being as I’ve been pushing myself physically, emotionally and mentally lately, but today I feel like I could drop. My landlord is showing the apartment today so that rules out taking the time to take care of myself and to go home and take a nap (as do the guys who are scraping lead paint off of the outside of the building).

The interesting thing though, isn’t the weakness that I feel - it’s the calm. It’s the sense that while I have about 5 million things that I need to be doing, I owe it to myself to take a few minutes here and there. I’ve gone out with friends a few times, spent more time in public areas… Who knows, maybe I’ll start moving forward for real this time.