Since my grandfather passed away - 4 weeks ago come Thursday - I’ve been caught up in a ton of family chaos and emotional drama. There’s always been tension and that tension has led to some whacked out competitive stuff that I just don’t understand (which may be for the better really).
But even when you take the drama out of it, there’s something about family life that still leaves me pulled in many different directions. Part of it is the way that my parents eat and the meals that they choose. Part of it is the way that my parents drink. Part of it too is that, well, let’s face it, I’m not so great at dealing with my emotions.
Spending time with my family often puts me back in that space where I might as well be 17 again: I end up awkward, not really talking with my partner (who had to come back the week I spent with my family for the sake of her new job). And then I end up hearing about how I never talk about how I’m feeling.
On one hand, it’s true. I don’t talk about it. But there’s a reason: when I do, it leads to arguments. I’m told about how wrong I am or how it’s just not that way.
Even now though, having been away from the situation for a few weeks now, I’m still reeling. Something little will set me off in the evenings or I’ll wake up sweating and shaking in the midst of a nightmare.
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