Eating Disorder Recovery: Breaking Through Old Molds
(source)You are committed to routines without knowing you are committed to them. You maintain these routines even if you hate them. You are stuck in patterns you can’t break. You live within the eating disorder.
Yet a small change in your patterns can mean a beginning shift from an eating disordered way of life to living a life free of eating disorder controls. Once you step beyond the jurisdiction of the eating disorder you are in new territory where you can begin to reach for growth and healing.
I’ve been thinking about patterns lately, and seeing them mirrored elsewhere. While I know that I do as much as I can to stay on top of what’s going on for me, I also know that there’s a tendency to resist change.
Interestingly enough, even on those days when everything feels fantastic and there’s a sense that I’m finally moving forward in intense and dramatic ways, there are times in which I can so clearly see the routines and patters that bind me into certain roles. A certain amount of “stuff.” A tendency to procrastinate. An inability to really let go and feel free.
And yet, at the same point in time, I know that I’ve come fairly far in my recovery. I know that I’m asking questions when I need to and doing simple things like ensuring that I can continue to see the same doctor who has been there through my last major relapse and who can tell whether or not I’m doing alright simply by taking a look at me when she walks into the office - something that I see as a remarkably good thing.
There are times when everything feels so up in the air and wild; there are times when I feel more grounded than I ever have before. It’s so strange and fascinating this whole growing up thing.
With recovery, there are so many changes that take place - subtle things and not so subtle things. There’s a physical health. There’s an emotional strength. There’s a freedom from the constraints of ritual, habit and pattern. That’s a good thing (or so I keep reminding myself).
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