Eating Disorder Recovery: Moving Forward

Sometimes it seems like the most threatening thing in the world is simply to push forward - to put one foot in front of the other and to tough it out, believing that somewhere along the line everything will start making sense and will fall into place. It’s already Friday; I don’t know how the week managed to go by so quickly. I mean, I do, it’s been busy and chaotic and pretty nuts overall.

My to-do list grows longer each and every day; despite the fact that I’m focusing on getting things done - I’m buying random things like dishwasher detergent that I know we’ll need when I think about them, I’ve got things set up for the cable disconnect here and installation there. I’m connecting with friends and making my needs as clear as possible despite the fact that I am so overwhelmed that I can barely breathe.

I’m trying to be mindful. I’m trying to make sense of everything and to know that I’m making choices that I need to make to grow. And yet. . . And yet. . .

I’m not necessarily taking care of myself in that I’m not eating the way that feels right to me; I’m sluggish and it’s pretty absurd. I may have been a bit too excited by the fact that the fitness room at the new place is accessible 24 - 7. I worry about finding myself there at 4 am, lifting weights or running off my anxiety on the treadmill. And then I realize that there are far worse things that I could be doing to myself than that (and that thoughts of them rush through my head at all hours and even during my dreams).

Somehow though - even though it seems to be in direct conflict - I’ve been able to start taking a step back when my mind starts racing and rather than diving into the abyss of eating disordered thoughts. I’m starting to recognize that:

1. The thoughts and self doubt stem from the fact that, most often, I do not trust myself to make the choices that will be best for me
2. The fears that I have are of the unknown and that, since life is what we make it, I do have the chance to make things go well
3. The unsettled feeling that I have is actually pretty normal for someone who is moving 5 states away without a job lined up

In other words, however much I may feel panicky and on edge, I think I may have finally reached that stage in recovery at which I recognize those emotions for what they are: normal.