I just wanted to say thank you again for the post - while I’m not always fantastic at replying to emails once I’m moved by something, thank you. And thank you too for getting me thinking and helping me to refocus.
Complete Acceptance from Where I Stand
Right now, sitting over the keyboard of my computer, I’m contemplating the move from total ‘freedom’ to ‘institution’. From having the choice to say ‘no thanks’ to having the choice made, ahem, for me, thank you very much.
Which is exactly one of the reasons I left my therapist and nutritionist a few months ago. My t had posed a question to me, which without discovering an answer to, therapy would be pointless.
Why, she wanted to know, did I hold on to my anorexia? Why, when I had everything else going for me? Weeks in therapy went by, and I couldn’t figure it out. So, instead of spending close to $400 a month to fine tooth comb a vacant mind, I broke free. At least that’s how I worded it. It was a break only, until I could get to the root cause of the problem.
So often it’s past abuse, controlling parents, perfectionist tendancies, the media, blah blah blah - you get the picture. Things lots and lots have studies have been done to prove ad nauseum that AN should be corrected by following a simple mathematical equation, after all.
But folks, I’m an adult here. After 18, it’s not your parent’s fault. You need to learn to deal with it and move on. Hell no was I going to blame them anymore. I’d done that enough, anyways.
One (of many) sleepless nights in bed, it hit me, and I was so ashamed of myself that I recoiled at my own cognitive dissonance.
I was so terrified of losing those whom I loved, that I wanted to die first. After agonizing for so long, and coming up with nothing, this was finally the break-through that I needed.
OK, so now I’m ready to go back to therapy. Only in the process of complete lack of accountability, I am now in the situation where inpatient is the most likely option for me. Yes, I dug my hole deeper because I lost control to the disease that doesn’t love or accept me for who I am, at any given moment in time. What to do now? Gently remind myself of the following:
* Complete acceptance of who I am at every point in recovery. Please tell me this is a fallicy. Does this happen, in real life, to anyone? If so, I want to meet them. Now.
* Triggers are reminders that we are human, and need to be on guard 24/7. They are not excuses to listen to your ed. You can practice and learn to say no.
* On that note, slips will more than likely occur. Slips are one-time events that should be acknowledged, and forgiven. Move on. It really does get better from here.
* Please, please, whatever you do, don’t tell me to “Just Be Yourself”. This is neither helpful nor does it make sense to my already OCD-depressed-anxious self. If I knew who I was, I wouldn’t be sucked into this horrible nightmare trying to show the world how frightened I am by using my ed to speak for me. I am scared, that’s what I am, and afraid that the imbalance that exists right now (sick physical self & sick mental/emotional self) won’t ever be strong enough to turn corners so that I can vocalize my ‘bad/negative/sinful’ emotions without showing you on the outside just how sick I really am.
* Being in the middle is awkward. And there’s nothing wrong with it. Just like there are no bad feelings. It’s what you do with those feelings and working on recovery that really matter. I became really angry during therapy, and it scared me. Anger, much like certain foods, was not a ’safe’ emotion for me. As a reader, it’s easy to spot the flawed logic in that one. To overcome it, I had to accept that I had a right, every right, to be angry.
* While I’m here, wouldn’t it be rational if I took an active, rather than passive role in the whole process? Yes, but it’s hard when so much of my AN is wrapped up in emotions. Learning to leverage and challenge my emotional state is a challenging endeavor. But if I can get over the safety net of compliance, so too can I learn to appreciate every step of the way.
So many times we are told it’s the journey, not the destination. I think, in the realm of my ed, I have accepted that the destination is death. So I must alter the course of my journey to make any progress.
Because I will die, just like you and everyone else around us. The question is just how much suffering am I am going to put myself and those I love through, getting there?
August 20th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Anorexia is a disease that starts in your mind. What anyone suffering from Anorexia needs to know is that you can learn to CHANGE YOUR MIND. You can learn to accept yourself, actually LOVE yourself, and in doing so, will change how you view yourself. It doesn’t matter what others think, it doesn’t matter how others view you. It matters what YOU think of you.
The mind is a powerful thing….it is amazing, and best of all, YOU are the one who controls it. It will do exactly what you say….so learn how to retrain your brain to think positive, healthy thoughts. Don’t let your emotions define who you are - because they will be all over the map, depending on circumstances, etc. etc. You are special, you are loved, and you were created perfectly.