Some days I feel like I fall off the face of the earth. I made the choice months ago to pursue getting out of my own way and moving; now, in less than a week I’ll be flying up to the old home state for the sake of seeing my doctor - something I’m surprisingly nervous about. Interestingly enough, while I was hanging out yesterday afternoon I started to realize where things really are for me; I realized that I was thinking about stretching out my meds rather than calling the office to admit that, in the move, I lost my script - I figured that I could just wait til I saw her.
In many cases, that probably wouldn’t be so bad. Of course, given that depression has been big and scary, I’ve been having crazy body image issues and, oh yeah, my grandfather passed away three weeks ago, not calling would be akin to skipping meals every time the impulse hits: it would be a slap in the face to the importance of self care. Sadly, the reality is that I haven’t cared all that much.
Ultimately, I feel like I must add that I have been taking care of myself - for the most part at least. I’ve looking into a number of great opportunities and have been focused on moving forward when possible. On the days when I’m struggling, I’m trying to take it a bit easier on myself - I’ll head into the city, go out for a walk, check out a museum. I’m definitely trying not to let life get the better of me, in other words, and I’m (kinda) proud of the fact that I’m not giving in to the pressure that I put on myself. But at the same point in time, there are moments when I wonder if it’s really worth it.
Now, I’m not saying that health isn’t important. I’m not saying that I don’t want my body to be healthy or that I don’t appreciate all of the efforts that I’ve put in. I just have this sense that skipping a meal once in a while wouldn’t really matter or that riding my bike a little harder wouldn’t be such a bad thing really.
I don’t feel like I’m being completely honest right now. Maybe rather than trying to get the words out the best thing that I could do would be to type out a part of my paper journal from yesterday (words are, of course, a huge part of what I do, even when I don’t make it here to post). Therefore, a few excerpts from a list of things that were really getting to me and making me extremely self-critical:
- My body issues have me thinking about buying diet pills and absolutely obsessing with the idea of getting a gym membership
- Knowing that I should be working on the grief thing but still trying to avoid it as much as humanly possible even thought it’s giving me killer headaches and a really stiff neck
- Feeling like I’m suffocating, all antsy weird and unsettled
- Knowing that there are a million and 5 things on my mind and suspecting that I’m trying to avoid just about all of them
- Still knowing that no matter what I do it still feels like I am afraid of whom I am - despite all of the years of therapy, self-work and everything else, I’m still having a ton of trouble with the the idea of acceptance and what it looks like and what it might mean
There were other points, many of which were not quite talking in circles but not quite getting at anything so they can stay on paper for now.
I guess that where I’ve been can be summed up as I’ve just been going through that human experience which just might be the hardest thing of all for me to come to terms with.
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