It’s a little bit strange. I’m hanging out in one of my old haunts - the upstairs part of a cafe in the only free standing Borders in the state of Vermont. It’s one of those rainy, cold, grey November days that have me thinking “Yup. I know why I left.” I’m exhausted and feeling like I could fall asleep every time I blink - I’m having to force myself to stay awake and it’s not really working so well. But, hey, it’s all good, right?
I’m in Vermont mostly on my own. I’d had plans to stay with a friend again tonight - but her schedule got all weird because of a death in a co-worker’s family and tonight I’ll be staying with my sister-in-law and her husband even though I don’t always like them (it ought to be great. Seriously. My partner will be coming up tomorrow, we’re trying to figure out how to see everyone and, in general, I’m trying to figure out how to stay out of the way.
The trip is part Thanksgiving, part doctor’s appointment (and, while I love my doc and she’s the only one I’ve ever had that I trust completely, I’m starting to wonder how many more times I’m going to pay to fly up here and pay for the appointments since, well, I have insurance that I can use in Virginia and the PCP I selected with the policy has an office that I can walk to in a matter of 5 minutes). The doctor’s appointment went pretty well - the whole cough of death that I had and have been fighting on and off still has left my lungs sounding “cranky and wet” (the medical terms that were used). I talked about missing the gym, she told me to go, do what I could and avoid too much cardio - which is what I knew I should do.
Anyway, we talked a lot about my depression. My blood pressure was high again and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s always higher after I’ve been drinking (so I should probably cut that out - especially since it doesn’t help to improve the mood at all). Right now, we’re leaving everything the same, but I might be looking at increasing my meds at least for the short term just to see if it would kick start an improved mood.
Ultimately, we talked about the combination of those things too - the fact that being sick and not going to gym was messing with my mood and my appetite. She looked at me, shrugged, said pretty bluntly, you’ll handle it - and call me if you need anything - you know what you can do and what you can’t.
I do know what I can handle. I do know what I can’t. It’s just strange to have it put so clearly in front of me, especially these days when I’m so tired I could collapse. I need to find balance again… I really really do.
Tags: exhaustion, recovery, Vermont
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