Sometimes, when the time comes to move forward a bit more in my recovery, when it’s time to recognize that there’s something more that I need to work through, I find myself waiting. And that’s when the chaos really starts to build: I come down with something, I lose sight of goals, I stop talking as much with friends, I don’t listen to enough music.
When things get chaotic, I don’t let it stop me; I’ve still been working (albeit at a much slower space). I’ve still put some effort into cleaning things up in the apartment. But there’s a long list of things that I haven’t been doing:
- I haven’t been working on fiction
- I haven’t been sticking with my plan of sending letters and getting in touch with my friends
- I haven’t been working ahead for the sake of getting ahead so that if things get really busy I won’t be overwhelmed.
- I haven’t been making as much time for reading - and I’d been feeling better when I was making that effort.
- I haven’t been focusing on working through my frustrations and anxieties
- I haven’t been as committed to looking for a job in another area so that it would be easier to move.
- I haven’t been cleaning house to get rid of all the excess.
- I haven’t been clearly setting goals and measuring the process that I make towards achieving them.
- I haven’t been working out.
I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. I’m trying to move forward in my life, but sometimes I know that I let myself get stuck. Even though I know that, when I get stuck, it’s a lot easy to stay within my comfort zone.
Comfort zones get their name because it’s easy to just stay there. Like a favorite chair or a favorite corner of the sofa, it just seems like a place where you fit. The issue is that the places that are that comfortable aren’t necessarily the places I want to stay. Sitting on the couch can be good (it’s been great while I’ve been sick), but it’s not where I want to be for the rest of my life.
That leaves me wondering what I’m waiting for. It leaves me wondering if, in some way, I’m waiting for change to feel comfortable, for growth to not be so awkward - something that I know isn’t going to happen. It’s something that I know that I need to work through.
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