I’m not a fan of this time of year. I was on today’s date back in 1995 that I admitted myself to a psych unit because my eating, my anxiety and my depression were all completely out of control. I didn’t have insurance at the time and there was a concensus that trying to manage the depression and anxiety were more important than getting my weight stabilized. The challenge, of course, was that while I truly believe that eating disorder recovery is about far more than just getting into the habit of eating - that treatment is about far more than just re-feeding - the psych unit wasn’t really the best place for me.
Did I need to get a handle on my depression? Absolutely. Was it necessary to find some balance and have me under supervision when I started to take anti-depressants? You betcha. Was it at all the right place for me to be? Fuck no.
Every year this comes up for me, at least a little bit. This year, Thanksgiving was out of context - we were at my sister-in-laws place and the crowd was made up far more of her husband’s family than anyone else. While this was slightly more appealing to me than spending the day with my family, it was a lot more stressful than I really wanted it to be. I’m behind on work, didn’t have a lot of down time and more or less felt useless throughout the entirety of the week.
Interesting thing, of course, is that Thanksgiving is a remarkably difficult holiday for me - and it’s not even about the food or the displacement of the Native Americans. While it’s not a huge deal and it’s not something that I know how to put a finger on, there’s something about it that creeps up on me and leaves me unsettled. Last year, it manifested in getting totally wasted at a wedding reception and passing out on the ground by the fire - fire ants be damned. This year, it’s been a quieter, sadder sort of response (but, like last year, I drank more, particularly this week).
I don’t really know what to make of it. I don’t really know whether or not I feel like I’m off track or if I’m just so far removed from my regular environment that things just all feel wrong. What I do know, however, is that I need to find a way to cut back on the distraction before it completely takes over.
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