What Would Control Look Like If You Were Able to See It?

One of those sneaky little things in my life - and, sure, there are more of them than I’d care to let on really - is that I still crave control. I don’t want to do anything too desperate about it, I’m just not willing to settle for a false illusion of control (which is all that my eating disorder ever was for me). I just want to be able to control when my motivation hits. I don’t want surprises or to be held back by the type of exhaustion that just kinda sweeps over me sometimes - the kind of tired you could drown in.

Sometimes when I’m spacing out - or stressing out, the two are pretty similar really, at least for me - I start thinking about concepts. Control seems to be the concept of the day, the one that crosses my mind at least.

Last month, I had every intention of participating in Nanowrimo. I signed up, but I’ve been so busy with work that the concept of writing fiction is, in and of itself, something that I don’t make time for. I could probably find the time if I tried hard enough or sacrificed one of the five hours of sleep that I get each night. But for the purpose of self care, I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep (I’m crabby enough with only 5 or 6 hours; if you judge the amount of sleep that you need based on the difference in time between going to bed and waking up without an alarm, then it’s a fair assumption that most nights, my body would be much happier with twice the sleep that I’m giving it.

There are a lot of things like that in my life right now - there are things that I’m so bitter about the idea of talking about them just isn’t something that I’m able to do. There’s this deep down realization that I should consolidate my credit card debt so that I have less money stress in my life and actually manage to get out from under it at some point, but every time I think about doing it, I find myself with doubts and an underlying sense of failure (something that I know is ridiculous - it would be taking control and preventing worse circumstances).

And then there’s that concept of control again, right there in the foreground. You see, sometimes I think that I don’t really want control - if I did, I’d take it wherever I could get it, right? Sometimes I think that the very idea of having control doesn’t sit well with me even though I’m often clutching at the air and wishing that I had a better handle on things. Sometimes I think that I’m programmed to look for control in all of the wrong places, and when I do, I think that I need to get a handle on what that’s all about.

In a personal aside, congrats to those who fought so hard for equal marriage in Connecticut. While their fight is far from over because the benefits are not equal because of things on a federal basis, it’s still a win for all of us, and while caught up in the frustrations of Prop 8 in California and other measures that passed a week ago yesterday, it’s still important to take a step back and just celebrate that moment.